My So-Called Life IX: Cycle

It’ll just happen over and over again, and nothing seems to break it anymore. It doesn’t even seem like my own willpower is able to stop this from going on and on.

It’s the low end of the circle, again.

It was only for a few days where I felt, at the very least, a bit happy about myself. I messed up a few things, I gained a bit of weight, and I was coming out of a stage of lethargy and self-loath – but through it all, I had the desire to fix those things over time. From the looks of how today went, it looks like that sense of self-interest and determination for self-health disappeared when i woke up this morning.

6:20AM. I’ve never had to wake up so early consecutively every day in my life up until now. I woke up today thinking I should just call my day off as a sick day. But my dad woke me up and asked if I wanted to eat a bunch of frozen vegetarian patties anyways. He’ll warm up two: he always does that. There seems to be some illusion to him that the size of food indicates the amount of nutrition it gives. From my stand point this morning, that sounded as good as stuffing two 5×5 cardboard boxes into my mouth. I said no. Guess the only thing I could eat was what I’ve been eating for 4 weeks straight, every morning. Taro buns. I feel an urge to vomit thinking about them now, despite saying I loved them only a year ago.

Time to look at myself in the mirror. That’s strange. I didn’t notice that disgusting flab of skin hanging underneath my face, or the strange infestation of acne near my lips, or my widening, pale face the other morning. Surely couldn’t have forgotten the shock when I saw how much belly fat I had. Surely they couldn’t have been there before. Especially not earlier this year.

But all of that was overshadowed by how dizzy I felt with the bright light. I always wonder why I always end up having to sleep late and yet still don’t get any school work done. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I have absolutely no time for myself by the time I get home from school. Oh right, I have an exam tomorrow, but I haven’t even started studying for that. And another next week. And another one. And those piles of notes that I haven’t touched for weeks. Then I wondered why this didn’t seem to bother me so much when I wasn’t in pharmacy school. Probably because I actually liked waking up in the morning for school.

Shower time. At least that’s the only 20 minutes where I’m nowhere near the rest of the world. Especially from my parents.

I stare at the clothes in my room. Why don’t I seem to have any clean clothes when I’m at home? Surely my closet was much, much smaller in my little room in UWP. At the very least I could do the laundry on my own. I had fun doing it anyways. Looks like this is the only shirt I can fit in now. And these jeans, being cut too short. What was the story behind that again? Oh right, my dad wanted to prove a point and both of them started arguing with each other. Again. Wonder why that had to be attributed to my mutilated pants. Wish I hadn’t told them to touch anything. Especially my pants.

Grabbed my bag. Down the stairs. Trop trop trop. I only have 9 minutes before I need to leave for the train.

And there I see it on the table.

A taro bun.

Only I wished it was something else. Maybe it was that chicken pumpkin bun. No, those are too expensive. Or perhaps I was fed words to believe that I hated them, because surely my dear sister hated them. Or somehow I hoped, for once in my life, that it was a BBQ pork bun. But no, I can’t eat pork.

I took a bite. Threw the plate forward because I like making a scene. And we trotted off to the car. Close the door. Shhhthump. Click. Off to the train station we go.

It was dark. 6:50AM. Must mean winter’s coming by. Nothing special about it. I’m not waiting for anything special for Christmas anymore. Or anyone, rather. Not this year.

Jumped out of the car. Thump. 5 minutes to spare. Not enough time to pull out a book. Not enough time to breathe. Punched a ride on the ticket. Eek-click. Always wondered why the machine made a disgusted sound when you had to cancel a ride for the train. Also wondered why the tickets haven’t been working for me since I started taking the train. I can never get the last two trips to work.

Walked through the tunnel, listening to the high-heels and the leather dress shoes. Click-click-click. I didn’t walk through as eagerly as I did yesterday. I’m so sick of the train. Probably had something to do with the fact I was starving and all I could think of was food.

Train is coming. Ding ding ding! Thank you for reminding me, mr. Train. My right ear drum popped the other day. Can’t hear as well as I did before. I wonder why we name inhuman thinking that they all have the same surname. Mr. Train. Miss Spider. Mr. Golden Sun. Mr. Moon. I like to think of the moon as Ms. Moon, though. Far too beautiful and caregiving to possibly be a man.

On the train, didn’t bother putting earbuds into my ear. Music became stale. Nothing sounds good around here anymore. That’s strange, today it’s a female speaking over the PA. It’s usually a male that rushed through his introduction and his announcements like telling people that Weston was the next stop was a time-sensitive fact – which it was. He sounded like he was some soldier talking through an American military radio system. Then again, how much do I really know about that? I only see it in the movies. All I know is that it’s the last thing I want to think about.

I watched the fly in the light. Was it the same fly I saw yesterday? I’d like to imagine that. Poor fly, it struggled to get out of the entrapment it shoved itself in. Maybe it’ll die, or maybe it’ll fly out of the light casing and make a run for it. Sometimes I feel like a fly. I’m proud of you, Fly, for being alive and keeping the world turning.

Train stops. Thank you for… she says. But the last part gets cut off. Perhaps there isn’t much to thank for in this case.

The choir of high-heels and leather business tapping shoes resume. Click-clack-click-clack. I wonder when this will drive me insane. Surely it would’ve been sooner had I not had some mental enlightenment the past two years. I don’t believe in enlightenment anymore. God, Buddha and the greatest scholars dissolved away from my spirit. Putting my spirituality into a Bunsen burner and a bunch of Erlenmeyer flasks doesn’t sound appealing either, or a black book with water-soluble ink. So I put it in nothing. Nothing itself is genderless at least. Why are gods and supreme powers always male? Excuse my heresy, Mother Nature. My faith disintegrated with the acceptance to pharmacy school. Not a healthy move, but a necessary one. Health, oh what a concept. Wish I knew what it felt like.

Tabouli for breakfast was kinda strange, but nourishing at the very least. Felt a little bit better, but not much. Time to move on, sneaky as these loafers may be.

No sweat today. Hmm. That’s strange. Must be because I walked outside. Every time I walk these routes I always remember my mom’s voice screaming at me, saying I made a mistake with things I’ve already done and being so full of it. Not like this is the only day this happens. My life is sculptured by complaints and harassment, otherwise I wouldn’t have been so caught up with being obedient all this time. Why do I, anyways, if I’m getting absolutely nothing but makeshift dreams and materiality? As if I asked for any of that. I just wanted the independence that’s locked away in one of those closets.

Down the glassy building. Into the lecture. Early today, like usual. Sit down, breathe for 5 seconds. Get those notes out, you scoundrel. Pen. Glasses. Eyes forward. Good morning. Good morning to you too. Plastic smiles. Congested laugh. Jesters. Hey you! Sit down again. Blood vessels. Muscles. Nerves. Health care. Mental Health. Isn’t that funny. Sociology is useful. Sanitation. Steam sterilisers. Autoclaves. Z-tables. t-tables. Photocopier. Remember Waterloo? Of course! Door opens. Door closes. See you tomorrow. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Street. Eat. Sushi doesn’t taste good anymore. Dark chocolate. Total calories today so far = 700~. Train. Sit. Sleep. Up. Bus. Sit. Sleep. Up. House. Hell. Why am I doing this. Drop bags. Sit. Kris, How I love you. What’s up. Lie down. Sleep. Get up. Mother. Eat. Complaints. Work is bad. Want to drop out. Sit. Computer.

Write.