My So-Called Life IV

I’ve made an important choice, but I’m nowhere as eloquent and meritable as Hamlet.

I decided to stop dying.

Since I was a child, my common philosophy was, “if you want to live, you have to find a reason why, and what worth are you to the world.” I began to wonder why I never seem to have asked myself that, even thought I’d judge everyone else based on this philosophy.

Then I realized how bad of a hypocrite I was.

I didn’t even understand the basic fundamental of philosophy, or any response to my own conundrum. I couldn’t think of why I existed, what my purpose was for, and I really didn’t think about anywhere that I could place myself in the world. Such a being of carcinogenic property: not meant to fulfil any destiny, not a bringer of hope, not a protector of integrity or passion, and certainly not one to love. Could I possibly become the bane and apocolypse of humanity? Could I be the contributor of drought, hunger, or poverty because my existance merely consisted of consuming wealth, rather than fulfilling my own abstract name?

I began to think how I could be a contributing body to the world: I could either stop then, or I could continue to be a sponge, if only for a while, to finally rain the osmotic byproduct of my mind.

I killed myself, but only in such a sacrifice for the world. I decided to kill Emotion. What a foolish sacrifice.

I was a lifeless, walking vessel of what remained of an adolescent. Looks might have been deceiving, but I felt only numbness when Emotion was to play her role. I could not properly love; the words “I love you” were as monotonous as a sheet of lined paper. But I promised to purge forward to contribute to the world somehow, and whatever that method might be, I’ll replace Emotion for it.

But things have changed a little. Something was already forming in Emotion’s place. Her name was Kris.

After a while, I’ve begun to reevaluate my values. For once, I’ve began to feel warmth at the sight of animals and flora that I’ve never bothered to take a look at before. I’ve began to notice finer details in life – like the simple crack in the wall, a narrow hallway, a person that hides in the corner at lunchtime, or the delectable music of a timid, solemn counter-melody – and life began to paint in colour again. I started to feel myself smile without hesitation or force. That’s when I realized that the surreal pictures that I could see were simply too empty for my liking anymore.

It doesn’t mean I’ll stop on my quest to being the “paladin of pagnus”. It’s just the road there seems so much more colourful and interesting, the stroll just won’t look the same from hereon in.

I love you, Kris, and thank you for pulling out details of the paintings that I’ve hid from myself for all of this time. I’m going to stop hiding now.

  1. It’s strange, for always being the one to campaign how eloquently language has the ability to express emotion and hidden meanings if one was adept at doing so, I’m at a loss for “palabras”. It’s impossible to express my feelings all of a sudden, as well as confusing on how to put a range of other thoughts and emotions I came across reading this. Sadness, empathy, diffidence, elation to name a few. Parts of me admires the ideas and goals you’ve established while others are critical of them, mostly those concerned with wanting to see and feel your happiness and contribute to that myself, and to help you enjoy a simplified perspective of heroism scaled down from such a grandiose scheme. That not everything has to have some kind of function to earn existence, at least not in the way you’ve been struggling to accommodate.

    I don’t want to see you end up like my friend had been and maybe still is to an extent, so panic driven to have purpose and feel accomplished and do anything in his ability to never be forgotten, whether that meant becoming an incredible aid to society or the next Adolf Hitler. Everyone’s philosophy of living is different, and I’m not about to lecture someone on how they should think. But those parts of me who in my perspective desire only to seek personal happiness and comfort as well as helping those around me achieve the same does worry, or perhaps I should say forbearingly idles from saying anything in hope that you might discover your own wishes without having to relate personal significance towards this or that. You do not have to be a doormat or a complete product of your environment to be selfless or helpful. Humanity isn’t this swarm of chaos and rampant atrocity waiting for a savior. So I hope at some point you stop feeling like you have to become this tool of benediction (although I am exaggerating obviously) and find satisfaction closer to home as well as with yourself.

    Maybe my standpoint seems selfish, especially to those of a mindset that it would be so typical for some “family” oriented figure to come in preaching about the importance of personal love while the heroic lead goes on to dramatically exclaim there was a bigger picture and their purpose was beyond such an existence then proceeds to go forth like some kind of martyr and give up their life in some highly idealized course of action, whether that means actually dying for some cause or working for it. I know it’s also a cultural ideal to cherish individuality, certainly an American thing as well, in lieu of or along with the welfare of its society but I’m not trying to be ethnocentric. Just honest in my perspective I guess.

    I know I leave long comments…But meh. Blame my personal history of English and Lit teachers for encouraging my love of writing. To bring this back down to your actual post, I’m glad I make you feel that way, or helped you realize certain things you hadn’t thought of in a while, or something. This is where my agitation of losing words starts rolling in. I feel loved and happy, is the simplest way to say it without getting insanely sappy or cliche, after reading this. Course it would be nice if we were able to actually converse of such things rather than stalk each others blogs xD But lulz “I digress.”

    I love you so much Franky. I’m sorry I can’t put it in a less monochromatic sounding way, but I mean it. You make me laugh the most, you fluster me, impress me, give me insight, and understand parts of me no one has come close to relating with before. If the future becomes unfortunate in one way or another, if nothing else I’m happy I ever got to meet you, indirectly or not.

    Oh, and Xetzu. If you even make it this far. Gtfo. :]

    Kris October 13, 2007 at 2:05 pm

  2. P.S.S. Oh and /barf at that last part of Xhalin’s comment; yes I’m all immature and I shrug away emotion!! Deal with it!!

    Xetzu October 23, 2007 at 2:58 am

  3. wtf I posted liek an uberlong comment [for my style] and it got delteated/baleeted/ [Deltaco?] :(

    Xetzu October 23, 2007 at 3:00 am

  4. 3rd try to post this comment;

    /ruins the moment
    /barfs @post

    nice comment though :P

    I’ve asked myself what my purpose was before but then I realized I was being dumb and just ignored the plausibility of people having a ‘purpose’. People will act [or should act] based on their morals and that’s it. If you don’t wanna do anything for humanity in your life like me, big deal, so you’re just like the other 99% of the world, oh snap!! You don’t have to discover the cure for cancer to be worthy of almightyness, little deeds here and there do the trick ;)

    P.S. Not sure if this comment is relevant or not I just perceived the post [some of it] that way o.O too much philosophy for me x.x

    Stop spamming my comment box, Xetzu. -_- You triggered my spam filter.

    Xetzu October 23, 2007 at 3:00 am