Bounce

I am no connoisseur of relationships or love. But with a juvenile heart and a clear mind, I’ve kept my head forward through what became years of unnecessary loitering in a never-ending, crumbling spiral staircase. Who is the recipient and who is the deliverer is not significant. How it became this way is.

It is never fair to be dumped.

Really. It isn’t. I’m not speaking on just my behalf, but anyone’s sake. I was naive and displaced in history that I couldn’t tell you what any of it meant almost 3 years ago. To hear stories from friends, from being the spectator in a crumbling relationship at an age where “love” equated “matrimony”, and listening to imperfect journeys has led me to believe that nothing should ever be rushed face-forward.

You’re a fool to think you can get over someone and find someone else in such a short period of time. I tell myself this because it’s true – I’m going to let myself heal a little before I completely let go. I do not admit to falling in love with anyone as of yet despite the unexpected flares and completely unannounced mixed signals. These mean nothing. This is just my heart tugging away, looking for the devotion I once gave uncannily. Dear heart, there is no need for you right now. Please rest until I’m ready to breathe a little again. I’ll let you live again, I promise.

It is also never fair to be a rebound.

I’ve heard this story one too many times. You’re a little emotional, masochistic doll letting it all rain down on you, and one day what you thought was a perfectly healthy string snaps. Someone was moving on, and you’re left with the exact pain you mended. Are you a martyr? Much less than you were an idiot to begin with. Have you done any good for the world? One world, perhaps, in their seemingly selfish but unintentional course, but you would never know. Should I care? Absolutely not. It’s not my life and not one part of it is mine. Do I? Like the intentions of a good samaritan.

Those who truly fall in love do not mean any real harm, but intentions are invalid if such actions do not follow. You mended a heart – now it’s time to mend your own. You can make it on your own, just don’t do it again. Be not a victim of transference, yet don’t victimize another poor soul. It is only fair to save people the grief you wanted to be saved from.

Will I honestly follow the fancy warm fluff about loving myself like they do in all these articles and websites that I find? Probably not – I’m narcissistic as it is, or had become. It is only good citizenship to unlearn what was built up for myself and become someone who I truly am. Whatever happened to the humble little boy that loved to read and write, you ask?

He’s sitting right in front of you, behind a computer screen, typing his heart into letters. He’s stumbling as he writes, correcting his grammatical errors and orography, but he’s still doing it nonetheless. What you love isn’t always the best thing you can do, but you do it because you know it’s what you want.

My heart — oh pardon me in my misuse of diction – my soul lies in the world of science, philosophy and art. There was much gained in something as simple as a rebound relationship – I’ve learned where the ugly things hide, I’ve learned what people don’t like, and most of all, I learned to love writing again. Rarely do you find me without a pen and notebook filled with mindless wandering with the swing of a blue and black pen. Now that the fun is over and I’ve learned what it’s like to be emotionally tampered with, yet to actually feel in love.

Through it all, I am still a student. There are many things I still need to learn and I’ll get through it. I’ve done plenty of wrong as I did right, and I’ll pick myself up from there. There is no one to blame. Mother Nature nods as I refuse to point fingers at her.

I’m ready to mature. Love does not need to be rushed – I’ll let the seasons pass until the day snow falls on the face that I’ll love one day. A figureless, abstract complexity unmatched when comparing to a simple transfer vector.

I devoted myself to an oath of non-maleficence.

Let’s get it back into practice. I’ve already left off where I was last. Please don’t bring me back to where I was before – I’m far enough along the journey that I have no reason to look back anymore.