The Dummies Guide on How-To "bring Sexyback"

Obviously, according to the master of the “Sexyback”, the “motherf**kers don’t know how to act”. So, being his proud spokesman (unofficially, of course), I have created a how-to guide on how to “bring Sexyback” in a comprehensive, easy-to-use chronological presentation, completely free for view! (ISP charges not included).

Of course, please be warned that if you suffer from pop-phobia, punky’yantis, gangsta’ncholis, emo’ia, you may not fit, or you may not be short enough for this ride, as only extremely skinny and stupid little girls – that think water has too many “carbs” – can fit in this ridiculously small cubicle. Now for the guide! Ol?!

  1. First, you must learn how to synthesize your voice such that even your uncle, your sister, or your sister’s dog can sound exactly like you. Such methods may include lowering the bitrate of a recording of your voice down to -12 kbps (yes, negative twelve), speaking into a dixie cup, attempting to sing under water (WARNING: May cause drowning or hyperventilation), or – of course – asking for founders of Crazy Frog on their many selections of annoying sythetic voices. (I recommend having at least 2 million dollars, skimpy clothing, and/or a water/paintball gun. Paintball gun is preferred.)
  2. Scream “YEAH!” every 5 seconds to practice. That will be your “Sexyback” warcry.
  3. As Justin Timberlake suggests, go hit him. Go!
  4. You must burn yourself, or you must turn your heater up to extreme heat. This may cause extreme irritation, hypothermia, and – if you have a roommate – a great amount of complaints.
  5. Shackle yourself against a bed with handcuffs and moan as loud as you can. Eventually a rather muscular woman will come in your room (magically) with a roll of newspaper and slap you across the face with it. For added effect (experts only), you may strap yourself to an iron ball without clothing, and continue to moan.
  6. Timberland is your man. He’s awesome – even though I’m not much of a fan of rap, he’s your man.
  7. Learn how to play an organ. Actually, just take a hammer to it and hit random keys. Be sure to stuff lots of cloth in the pipeholes so you’ll get that muffled effect.
  8. You must lip sync while you’re walking, even if your mouth positions are extremely off from the song. I would recommend bringing a CD player or MP3 player so you can nail it down.
  9. Use the back-beat templates on Jeskola Buzz, or any similar DJ-program. Just let that run for a while, and walk to it like your right leg is missing.
  10. Rent out a room in a hotel, and crawl out of your window and find another open window. Climb in there and start making out with the woman in there (of course, make sure their husband/boyfriend isn’t there, the fact that it’s actually a girl – if you’re heterosexual, otherwise substitute however you will -, and that the room isn’t actually “occupied”.). You must also knock over all of your lamps, whiskey glasses, butter containers, cats, phones, papers, air, dust, flakes of wood, broken telephone keys, pieces of cheese, dictionaries, nuclear reactors, pencils, apartments, and finally, dogs.
  11. Always suspect that there’s a bomb in your room, and casually jump to the next one. Then jump down from your balcony and stalk the person you’ve made out and boned with. Bone them again.
  12. Hire lots of horrendous choreographers, and have them dance like idiots. That sets the whole scene up.
  13. You need the slow motion jumping and closing of doors. This is probably the hardest part, but trust me, even though the laws of physics state that it is virtually impossible, there’s that 0.00000000001% chance!
  14. And of course, remember, the “motherf**kers don’t know how to act.”

I hope this guide has helped you tremendously! See you next time! (As for the side note, this song is stupidly stuck in my head. I don’t like it, but it continues to stick as a catchy tune. It irritates me.)

  1. funny! *laughs*

    ps. amazing site.

    cat November 12, 2006 at 2:23 pm